


Pick up Lines for Mello

by avabot



Category: Death Note
Genre: AU, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Death Note Exchange, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-19
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2018-01-09 05:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1142082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avabot/pseuds/avabot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryuk gets a hold of a book with pick up lines in it and makes sure Matt is the one to pick it up. Silliness ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pick up Lines for Mello

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lawliet-is-a-zombie.tumblr.com](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=lawliet-is-a-zombie.tumblr.com).



> Hey! So this fic was made for the death note exchange thing on tumblr. I didn't really know what I was doing the entire time I was writing this, so sorry if its not the best quality. I did try my best though c: Also I have no idea how the formatting works on here, so there might be random weird indentations in random places and possibly some other things...sorry about that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

_“Boring, boring, boring. Everything is so dull,” _Ryuk thought to himself absentmindedly as he shuffled the playing cards for yet another time. After returning to the Shinigami realm he’d returned to find that it had only gotten worse from how it had been before. At least before _some_ of his fellow species had been a little interesting to talk to, but now all anyone did was either sit around and do nothing or play with those damn cards. Eventually he’d resigned himself to playing a game which quickly turned to three, which quickly turned to a hundred and three which turned to…how long had he been playing again?

Oh right, maybe about two years? Three? It was easy to let go of time if you’d existed since the beginning of it. He just wanted to have some _fun._ Light was really the only one who had been able to provide any good entertainment for him. He’d tried dropping the notebook a couple times again but none of it worked out well.

Then that damn shinigami king had to go and take Ryuk’s Death Note away. He said something about giving it back in a thousand years or so…whenever Ryuk’s time started running out.

“Ryuk,” He looked up at the sound of his name, his red eyes meeting the pure black ones of the other shinigami. He looked exasperated. Not that Ryuk really cared. “If you’re gonna play, at least pay attention. You’ve been staring at the cards for a long time now.”

Just then the sound of cackling filled the two death gods ears, startling the both of them visibly. The other shinigami actually let out a small squeak of surprise, being a lot more jumpy than Ryuk ever was.

The cackling stopped for a brief moment before starting up again, this time with incomprehensible mumbling mixed in with it. Ryuk looked around his surroundings, unused to hearing the sounds of amusement there. He was curious to say in the least…just what the hell were they doing to make them laugh like that?

A second later he noticed the source of the noise coming from two death gods walking leisurely along the barren wasteland. A book was in one of the grotesque creatures hands, which were currently shaking from the laughter that wracked its body. The two of them flipped a page and continued laughing. 

“Ah, fuck this.” Ryuk got up and stretched his disproportionate limbs, tired of sitting and listening to them laugh so freely. “I’m going to see what those two are looking at.” The other shinigami didn’t even look up. He had gone back to shuffling the cards, which could go on for days. Ryuk shrugged and extended his wings, accompanied by the sound of air rushing out from underneath them. He took off, and landed right in front of the two.

“What are you two laughing about?” He asked them, not quite remembering what they were named. He didn’t really care that much either.

“Oh, Ryuk,” one of them acknowledged him, wiping a tear from his beady eyes with a pair of dirty talons. His beak opened to speak again. “We were down in the human world for a little while, figured we’d write a couple names down, you know?”

The other interrupted him, picking at the stitches that held his jaw together. A putrid stench reached Ryuk’s nostrils but he didn’t mind. “So I see this guy pacing outside of a bar and I was about to kill him when I realized he was reading off lines from a book. So we killed him and took the book thinking it’ll be something interesting and guess what it is? A book filled with _pick up lines._ You know how those humans are so interested in romance and all that? Well they made a whole book on it.”

“The thing is,” The other interrupted, taking the book and shaking it by the spine. “Even _we_ can tell these things are horrible.”

“They’re funny as hell though. Wanna see?”

Hm. This definitely wasn’t what he was expecting. Maybe he could draw some fun out of this?

Ryuk faked a yawn, stretching out his arms.

“Nah, you guys are amateurs.”

“What? Why?”

“You don’t know how to have any _real_ fun,” Ryuk leaned forward and grabbed the book from them, tossing it in the air to catch it again. “You think this is entertaining? Come on, what are you gonna do with a book like this? You’ll read through it and then it’ll be just as boring as anything else.”

“Then what are we supposed to do with it?”

“Don’t you idiots know?” he rolled his eyes, his lips stretching across his teeth into a smile. “You get humans involved. That’s what you do. Humans are so stupid they’ll make anything interesting.”

“So what, we just give it to a random human then? I doubt that’ll be any fun.” The bird shinigami eyes him suspiciously.

“But I know a pair of humans who are particularly entertaining.” He said, an image of yellow and red hair flashing in front of his eyes. “Come on, I’ll show ‘em to ya.”

The two death gods looked at each other before shrugging. “Couldn’t hurt I guess.”

They headed towards the entrance to the humans world and jumped.

 

“Dude, turn your fucking phone volume down. I’m not taking care of you when you’re deaf. Actually, scratch that, I feel like I’m going to go deaf whenever your phone rings.”

“Shut up, Matt. You’re the one who can’t hear a thing during sex. _Tell me what you want, Mello. Say it louder. I can’t hear you. Say it louder.”_ Mello lifted a gloved hand to his forehead and tilted back his head. The pitch of his voice went up in a poor imitation of what was apparently supposed to be Matt. His British accent mixed slightly with the small traces of the Russian accent he had somehow managed to retain throughout all the years.

“If I wasn’t distracted by this videogame I’d come over there and kick your ass.”

“Why do that when I can just fuck yours?”

Matt’s eye roll didn’t go unnoticed by Mello, even with the goggles on. These kind of jokes had been going on since before the two of them had even started dating, and it was a regular thing for Matt to ignore them more than anything else. He was the more romantic one of the two who took pleasure in embarrassing his counterpart through more…refined methods.

Which really just meant he enjoyed turning Mello on and then teasing him about it. “I don’t even sound like that, you fucktard.” He muttered, his thumbs jabbing enthusiastically at the controller while his eyes stayed glued to the screen in front of him.

Mello just smirked before grabbing his red, fur lined jacket. He walked toward the door before stopping, his hand resting on the handle. “I’m going out. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

“Near’s?” Matt asked.

“Nope, going to meet Rod and others. Why would I go see that little shit?”

Matt shrugged. “Dunno. Thought maybe you finally changed your mind and wanted to start working together with him.”

“Ew. No.”

Matt heard the door slam shut and chuckled to himself. “I was just asking.” He mumbled before yelling, “We caught Kira with him, Mello! After something like that I thought we worked together pretty damn well!”

He wasn’t sure if the stupid blond actually heard him, but he didn’t really care that much.

A few minutes passed until Matt switched off a game with a sigh. The silence that was usually filled by Mello was bothering him, so he decided to go outside their tiny apartment. Maybe buy the guy some chocolate or something. And buy himself some cigarettes too.

He took the goggles off his head and threw them haphazardly onto the ugly, floral couch before grabbing his wallet, tucking it into his pocket and leaving out the door, accidentally slamming it as he went, but only went a few steps forward before stopping in his tracks and looking down. Blocking his path was a book titled _100+ Pick Up Lines and More!_

He stooped down to pick up the book and flipped through it, reading random lines every couple of pages. Matt laughed.

“These are so _bad!”_

He flipped through it once more, an amused smile turning up the corners of his lips. He looked around for a moment to make sure he wasn’t taking anyone’s book. Or at least make sure it wasn’t within their eyesight. Since the coast was clear, he took it back inside the apartment with him and plopped down on the couch.

“Ouch.” He muttered to himself, pulling his goggles out from under where he was sitting. The redhead grimaced, ignoring the urge to rub his butt.

_Now what to do with this…_

That was the real question of course, since he had absolutely no fucking clue.

“If Mello was here I could have some fun…” he frowned, running a hand through his hair. He stayed like that for a few seconds before sitting up straight, a new goal becoming clearer in his mind.

He was going to call Mello, but first…his computer.

           

About half an hour later, Matt was chewing on a piece of chocolate from Mello’s stash, lying down leisurely on their hideous excuse for a couch with the book he found placed comfortably on his chest as he read through it. He seemed considerably satisfied.

Finally he took out his phone and dialed Mello, humming quietly as he waited.

 

“What do you want?” Mello growled into the phone, knowing that everyone was watching him. It was unlike Matt to interrupt him when he was meeting with Rod and the others. “I swear to god, Matt, this better be importa—“

“Did you clean your pants with Windex, Mello?”

“What.”

“I _said—“_

“No. Matt. What the fuck.”

“Because I can practically see myself in them!” Mello had to hold the phone away from his ear from how loud Matt was laughing. The room he was in became very silent. He looked up with raised eyebrows only to see everyone with their eyes on him, some were trying to keep their lips from turning upward by pressing them into thin lines. He blinked, and suddenly the room was filled with coughing men covering their faces with their hands as their shoulders shook. He turned towards Rod who was visibly amused, although it seemed like he was trying not to say anything. Stupid baldie. Well, at least he had enough sense not to laugh at him.

“One fucking word,” Mello warned them, “And I will personally cut off your dicks and make you watch as I shove them down your throats.”

The room quieted immediately. The blond smiled cynically and pressed the phone back to his ear. “Matt,” he said, gritting his teeth with a sickly sweet tone in his voice.

“Yes, Mello?”

“If the door isn’t locked by the time I get home I’m going to come over there, rip your small intestine out of your mouth, rip your large intestine out of your butt and then play jump rope with it.”

“Well you’ve definitely gotten more creative with the threats.”

 

Mello opened the door with a dangerous glint in his eye. He immediately looked over to the couch, happy to see that Matt was indeed not there.

_He’s terrified. I know it._ He thought to himself. _He’s probably cowering in a closet right now praying for him to give him some mercy._ The blond let out a small noise of satisfaction at the scene he had conjured up in his mind.

He decided to get some chocolate before trying to go find Matt—wherever he was hiding. A brief memory pulled him back to Wammy’s when they used to play hide and seek all the time. Really the only difference was that this was much more fun. Also he got to fuck Matt every once in a while now.

Okay, well, a lot more than just once in a while but that was besides the point.     

He turned into the kitchen, humming a random tune to himself.

On most occasions, Mello was able to say with a fair amount of certainty that he was pretty damn good at expecting the unexpected. Living with the Near did that. One thing he could not say he was expecting was Matt standing in the kitchen, a piece of chocolate dangling dangerously from the corner of his mouth.

Mello raised an eyebrow at him.

Matt shrugged, looking uncertain. He took the chocolate out of his mouth, staring at it for a moment before looking at Mello, back down at the chocolate and then at Mello again.

He looked like a puppy.

“You want some?” he asked, holding the chocolate out to his boyfriend.

Mello took one look at the sweet before closing his eyes and letting out a long breath. After a moment of silence, he spoke. “Are you trying to kill me, Matt?”

Matt’s eyes lit up for a moment and Mello instantly knew that he had no intention of answering his question.

“Oh yeah, Mello!”

_Yeah, you’re trying to kill me or--_

“What.”

Matt’s lips turned up into a smirk. His brown eyes narrowed as his lips turned up into a smirk. Mello could never understand how he managed to turn from a puppy to…to…whatever the fuck he was doing.

“Do you have a band aid?” Matt asked.  “Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.”

Mello looked at him with an expression that could only be described as _I’m so done with your shit._

He contemplated responding to the ridiculousness that was his boyfriend before opening his mouth. “Could you do it again? This time from a building?”

            Matt almost looked crestfallen, and for a moment Mello felt guilty. Matt was just trying to have some fun, he guessed…

            But it was only for a moment, because two seconds later Matt looked completely normal. Mello imagined the redhead as a puppy with his ears perked up in excitement.

            “Hey, Mello? Can you check the main computer for me? I think I got another cracking job to get to, but I’m not sure.”

            Mello looked at him suspiciously. The excited glint in his eyes made it look like that wasn’t actually what Matt wanted.

            “Why don’t you just check it yourself?”

            Matt pouted in response. “Come on, you don’t trust me?”

            “Nope,” was his immediate reply, but it was followed by a quick kiss on the lips to show he was joking. Matt grinned when Mello turned around to the room where they kept all of the computers.

            “I love you--!” he called out, only to be met with incomprehensible grumbling by Mello. His grin grew larger as he waited.

_Okay,_ he thought. _It’ll happen in three…_

_…two…_

_…one…_

“ _What the fuck_?”

Matt burst out into laughter as he heard Mello let out a frustrated groan as he stomped back into the kitchen. Mello was getting pretty damn annoyed over his laughter, despite how cute it was.

“What did you do to the computers, Matt?”

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently.

“Don’t bat your stupid eyelashes at me, get over here you little—“

“Ah! Ow—ow! Mello, that hurts,” Matt pouted, unhappy with being dragged by

his hair. “If I go bald I’m blaming you,” he huffed and then let out a relieved sigh as Mello practically flung him toward the large computer that dominated most of the room. He jabbed at the screen, which in large, bold letters read:

I think I can die happy now, because I’ve just seen a piece of heaven.

“What the actual fuck is this?” he asked.

Mello didn’t see an ounce of regret on his face. Instead, Matt burst out into another round of laughter. “If you…” he cut himself off trying to regain control of his voice. He cleared his throat after calming down and continued, but there was still a smug little grin pasted onto his face. “If you click the mouse, there’s a new pick up line every time.”

“And you want me to fucking click it?”

“Hell yeah I do.”

The blond complied with no more than a sigh on his part. He started to click through all of the horrible pick up lines Matt had somehow gotten hold of.

**I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!**

_Or I could just let you die,_ he thought to himself.

**Is it hot in here or is it just you?**

**Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?**

_Kill annoying motherfuckers like you._

He stopped and stared at Matt.

“…bloody hell, Matt.”

“What?”

“Just how much fucking time do you have on your hands that you can do all this? Are you that bored?”

“No,” he replied easily, grabbing a chair and sitting down in it. He leaned back with his arms resting behind his head. “I just like to bother you is all.”

Mello rolled his eyes.

“Where are you even getting these stupid things?”

“I found a book. It was just lying outside…so I took it. Pretty funny, right?”

“…right.”

“Well so much for sounding enthusiastic.”

“All I’ve got is sarcasm, you know that.”

“Well guess what I’ve got?” Matt grinned and stood up, walking over to Mello until their faces were just inches apart. He picked up a piece of his boyfriend’s blond hair and twirled it around in his figures. “More pick up lines.”

“Oh, god.” Mello groaned, turning away and burying his face into his hands. “And here I thought we were actually going to do something interesting.”

“Hey, hey, listen to this,” Matt cleared his throat, seemingly oblivious to Mello’s dismay. “Do you have a band aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.”

“Could you do it again? This time from a building?”

The redhead smiled, realizing that although Mello wasn’t acting happy about it, he was playing along. His next words confirmed this thought.

“Hey Matt, I’ve got one too.” Mello said, brushing past him to sit on the chair Matt had originally put up. He pulled out a book from the dining table next to them and opened it, just deciding to start reading in the middle of a conversation.

“Hm?” the hacker said, his eyes brightening in amusement.

Mello cleared his throat dramatically, leaning back comfortably to create silence for a few seconds before continuing, his lips twisting up into what Matt had learned to identify as his sarcastic smile. “Are you a sappy love song?”

The smile fell from his face, leaving a glare that could probably make a puppy whimper. “Because you’re annoying as fuck.”

His words were mean but the message was clear enough. Mello had turned this into something of a competition.

…okay, well maybe he hadn’t, but he had responded, which meant Matt was going to do his damned best to draw this out for as long as possible. What could he say? Pulling crappy pick up lines on someone who was already his boyfriend was more fun than he thought it would be.

“Does your left eye hurt? Because you've been looking right all day.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now, Matt.” Was the immediate response that Matt wasn’t really expecting.

“What? What did I say?” he asked, but understood as soon as the words left his lips. Mello answered anyway.

“Oh, I don’t know why don’t you just _look at my fucking eye.”_

“Oh. Right. But uh…if nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?” he asked, fairly impressed with the fact that he had managed to memorize so many of these lines in such a short amount of time. Memorization had never really been his forte. He was more of a good reflexes and making shit up on the spot kind of guy.

Mello flipped a page in his book.

“According to an ancient Roman philosopher nothing is a concept that should be deleted from the vocabulary of humans because when you are discussing ‘nothing’ you are really discussing ‘something’ meaning that it is not actually ‘nothing’. In order for ‘nothing’ to truly be ‘nothing’ it cannot be discussed, because it cannot be more than ‘nothing’. Therefore, ‘nothing’ actually is a concept that does not exi—“

_“Dear god please just stop.”_

Mello just _had_ to pull some philosophy out on him, didn’t he? Fuck that shit. He always wondered why Mello read the stuff. He was Christian, so didn’t he already have all the answers he needed?

            Matt was agnostic, so he just didn’t give two shits about the damn subject.

            Despite all of the rejections he had been getting from his boyfriend, Matt continued on carelessly. The both of them were getting faster in their responses.

            “Are you an orphanage? ‘Cause I want to give you kids.”

            “Are you Roger?” Mello asked, glancing up. “Because no kids are ever going to want to come near you if you keep this up.”

Matt was unfazed. “You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?”

“Sure, which limb can I cut off first?”

“Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!”

“The only thing I’m going to be charged for is manslaughter if you don’t stop.”

“Tch. Please, that wouldn’t be the first time you’ve had to get yourself out a situation like that.” There was a pause in which Matt was obviously thinking of something to say. “Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.”

“Or it could just be those stupid goggles you wear all the time.”

“Oh, hey, not cool.”

Mello looked at him.

“What?” Matt said, raising his hands in front of him, palms out. “Don’t insult the goggles, babe. It’s merchandise, just like the rest of me.”

He snorted and flipped a page. “Are you supposed to be hitting on me, or yourself?”

“Who says I can’t do both at the same time?” Mello didn’t respond, and Matt, wanting to keep his attention, looked at the book in his hands. Another one came to him.

 

“I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?” he asked, almost completely sure Mello wouldn’t have a response to that, at least while he was distracted.

Mello’s head came up, and he looked him straight in the eyes and said, “No, but you can read my lips. _Fuck. You.”_

“I can kiss your lips and do that too.” Matt almost wanted to give himself a mental high five for that one, but that was because he was just expecting Mello to roll his eyes and continue ignoring him. Instead, the Mafioso leader stood up from the chair and walked over to where Matt had been standing. It seemed like a repeat of Matt’s actions, only Mello somehow managed to pull it off 20 times better.

“Is that a promise?” Mello asked, voice quieting as he smirked at him.

‘Fuck yeah,” Matt grinned, leaning down slightly to capture Mello’s lips with his. His hands came to circle around the blonds hips, pushing them back so that he started walking back until the back of his legs hit the ugly floral couch and they both went tumbling down onto it, Matt landing on top of Mello.

“Fuck,” came Mello’s voice, accompanied by a breathy laugh. “Got anymore stupid pick up lines for me?”

Matt’s head came down as he began to nip at the others neck. Mello’s hands came up to tug at the hacker’s hair. Finally, Matt stopped and leaned in for one more kiss, still lying comfortably atop the other. “Hm…” he said, having to think for a moment. What could he say; making out with Mello does that to a person.

“Are you religious? Cause you’re the answer to all my prayers.”

“Matt, I’m the religious one. You’re the atheist.”

“Come on, Mello, just play along.” He pouted, laying his head on Mello’s chest.

Mello raised an eyebrow before sighing and rolling his eyes. Eh, why the hell not. If it’ll get the poor bastard to leave him alone, he’ll play along. “Fine,” Without warning, he flipped them over so that Matt was now the one underneath him. Mello took Matt’s wrists and pinned them to his sides. His hair was falling into his eyes a bit, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t even try to bother the satisfied smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. “You may not be religious but give me ten minutes in bed and I’ll make you a believer.”

“…”

Silence.

“…well, shit.”

 

 

_“Told ya they’d be entertaining.”_

 


End file.
